Top 10 tips for surviving a Music Festival
As we swing into another British Summer, droves of lash-hungry angst ridden teens are gearing up to tear Europe a new one:
Festival season – a time to get drunk, listen to your favourite bands and lose all bowel control. As an experienced veteran of all the above, I felt it essential to write this list for those out there travelling into the unknown for the very first time.
In the magical world of the Festival, social norms steadily begin to be forgotten. Words like ‘alcoholism’ and ‘unclean’ become a thing of the past. Here are ten personally tried and tested* ways to further distance yourself from society and become truly legendary.
- Obey a strict diet
Your body is a temple and should be treated as such. Often there must be a cleansing to appease the Gods.
So comes the Kebab – commonly known as “natures laxative.” Fibre has nothing on this bad boy.
There is method in my madness: Whilst filling yourself with every intoxicant under the sun, not only will this stable diet ensure the fast removal of all poison from the body, you’ll also be shedding those pounds in no time. Result!
- Spirits – the breakfast of champions:
And what better to accompany your delicious morning shi…. breakfast?
In this new habitat alcohol is now a valid food source. Feast and be plentiful.
Accompany with a side of whiskey and a couple of rounds of Top Off Slap Off to ensure a successful start to the day.
- Do not bring clothes
Speedos do everything. Jumpers are for girls. Who needs pockets when you have gin?
- Do not bring suntan lotion
The sun is weak. You are strong.
You’ve gone red? It’ll bronze out, Science.
Peeling? Rubbish! that skin wasn’t wanted anyway, and with speedos on you won’t even need to think about tan lines.
You will be a GOD.
- Hydration is the key to success
The elixir of life isn’t water. It’s Gin. It’s looks the same and does a lot more for you.
Drink Gin. You will soon be able to taste colours and lose your sense of smell.
Bask in your glory.
- The world is your playground
Within the graceful Valhalla of the campsite, only a man’s word is law. However his law may be incredibly wrong.
Apparently there is a universal sign for ‘Who are you and why are you sleeping in my tent?’ – it involves a lot of vigorous hand gestures and pent up aggression, culminating in an eventual tug of war.
If you are not granted victory, leave all valuables in the tent as an offering – You didn’t want those Ray Bans anyway.
- Embrace culture
You’re in a different country, why not start a fun new habit? Like smoking 30 industrial strength cigarettes a day?
The horrible pictures aren’t on the side of the boxes here and you’re allowed to do it inside. Why, if anything it’s just an attempt to immerse one further into one’s surroundings. Rejecting them would be Unsociable. Rude, even.
- Don’t see any bands
Who the fuck goes to festivals to listen to music?
Drink more gin and stop your crying.
YOU ARE WEAK.
- and If you do – don’t remember them
You have Youtube to relive those memories when your back home attempting to piece your soul back together and find a job to fuel your next bender.
Now, if you adhere to all of the above, only then will you achieve what can be called the full immersive festival “experience”:
You open your eyes. Its dark, the smell of death pervades the air, is this hell?
Has it finally happened? did that one last kebab make you shit out a lung?
No. MUCH WORSE.
- Fall asleep in the portaloo.
In 40 degree heat. Naked.
In this circumstance you begin to realise that deprecation and defecation are two sides of the shitty coin.
So that’s that! go out, frolic in the sunlight and have a grand old time. I contemplated putting some pictures up but you’ve all seen them and I’m sure it’ll be posted at some point again this year anyway.
Finally remember to never wrap up!